Bathroom Scrawlings |
| The stirring truths of life, as written by drunk, peeing people - OR - Things to think about when you're pants are around your knees and your feet are submerged in a puddle of unidentifiable liquid "won't you touch me where i'm rusty-
"If Jesus was Jewish, why does he have a Spanish name?"
"I am ugly hair-wax woman
"There is nothing so pure as the kindness of an atheist."
"Time is your enemy."
"Make love, not war."
"It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere."
"If voting could really change things, it would be illegal."
"Don't trust anything that bleeds for 5 days and doesn't die."
"No matter how good she looks,
"At the feast of ego, everyone leaves hungry."
"G-d is dead. -Nietzsche"
"I love to eat you're wife's asshole" [sic]
"Did not Moses give you the Law?"
"Bad spellers untie!!!"
"some come here to sit and think
"Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity"
"celebrate female armpit hair pride week"
"take part in a nonplural parade"
"They paint the walls to cover my pen, but the shit-house poet strikes again!"
"Here I sit all broken hearted,
Response:
"Have a match
"What moron writes on the bathroom walls?"
"If you sprinkle
"We aim to please
"Hell's bells
"Roses are red
"This is a teepee
"Here I sit in a misty vapor
"If grace can come from Shakespere's tales
"Dus I hear thou derrier' spout,
"E Coli eats shit!"
"Please flush twice. It's a long way to the kitchen!"
"Love and fear drive anger and expression.
(An arrow pointing to the toilet paper...)
"Life's a bitch and then you die, that is why we get high.
"I fucked your Mom"
"Jesus saves."
"Show your boy some class.
"Those who write on shithouse walls roll their shit into little balls.
"Charlie Brown: Porn Star"
"The Toilet seat you are currently sitting on has been infected with herpes"
"Be like Brother, NOT like Sis,
"If a tree falls in the forest, and there's nobody around to hear it - who gives a fuck?"
"whoever wrote this was a test tube baby,
(arrow pointing to toilet paper dispenser)
"dont look here, the joke is in your hand"
"that wasnt her girl on the phone it was me"
"If black is beautiful, then I just shit a materpiece."
"My mother made me a homosexual."
(Written on the front of a condom machine)
"I pity the man whose poetic ability is aroused by the smell of shit"
"No need to hover above the seat,
"You can shake it;
"TOLIET CAMERA IS FOR RESEARCH USE ONLY"
This one is in the 4th floor restroom at the vet tower at Texas A&M University.
In punch tape, someone had put "Please flush all feces" on the back of
the stall door. The pencil message didn't stay there long enough to suit my taste - I'm sure (name withheld) removed it.
"We aim to please, you aim too please."
"Shithouse tennis: See other side!"
(straight ahead, on the door) "Let's play toilet ping pong. Look to the
left."
"I WE TODD IT"
"Pee hard, Pee fast.
"Bowling is Drawing."
"Monkeys eat sex."
"no matter how much you shake and dance,
"Anyone can Piss on the seat,
"The Vampire Nation Lives"
Written in big bold letters:
"Hi, I'm Gonorrhea.
"Wanted: two black midgets to fill the position of mud flaps.
"ropey hots is what i gots"
"Here I sit buttocks a flexin'
"There was an old man from Peru,
"See yourself Pee
"what are you looking up here for? are you ashamed of it?"
"if you can pee this high please call the local fire department at 555-5555"
"This is where Napoleon blew his bone apart"
"Here I sit broken hearted
"In the days of old
From a men's room in Penn. Hwy 85 rest stop, upside down near the floor under the tank:
"please don`t throw butts in urinal, it makes them soggy & hard to light."
"SHE SAID I CAN TAKE 12 INCHES
Here is a little quote from a local grocery store toilet in
northern michigan:
(Ed note: this joke appears in countless variations, depending on its location... for example:)
"Here i sit on a portable pooper
"Here I sit a sweat and vapor
"He who writes on bathroom walls simply has hairy balls."
"ITS NO GOOD STANDING ON THE SEAT,
in reply:
"JUMP 6 FEET, THAT'S FUCK ALL
"Of all the people beneath the skies
Seen written above the dispensing slot on a condom machine; gas station, Vancouver, BC:
"i love that girl with the little red shoess
"BEER DRINKERS LAMENT:
A dozen years ago this was on the wall of a tavern in Seattle called Blue Moon ... a friend came out of the lady's restroom laughing and told me that this was on the wall:
At a playhouse theatre in Boston:
"Fix this toilet!"
The response: "We're actors, not plumbers."
The response to the response: "Then act like plumbers."
These were seen in men's room at Harvard Medical School, 1973-4:
"Did you know that this porcelain instrument upon which you are sitting is really a very powerful telescope? Spread your legs and stick your head down between them. Look way down and over to the back. There! See it? Uranus!"
"Time is what keeps everything from happening all at once."
"TOLIET CAMERA IS FOR RESEARCH USE ONLY"
"Here I sit, same as ever
"We all lie in the guther, but some of us are looking at the stars!"
"Most live and learn but by the time most learn it is too late to live."
I found this in the girls bathroom in the high school
area at Pettisville school in Ohio:
Response: "I hope not, You can't even spell it!
Seen above a urinal:
As seen on a hand dryer mens room in a local hardware store to the right of the instructions (step 1 shake off excess waterc..)
Seen in the girls locker room at my old junior high:
"Edith Head gives good wardrobe"
Seen in an undisclosed portajohn, an arrow starting at door ("look here"), directing to arrow next wall then another arrow again directing to next wall. Finally ending next to toilet with this saying:
"The hands that pour your drinks are the same ones that wash the cigarette butts out of this urinal."
IT'S A WONDEROUS THING THE MAGNIFICENT TURD
"Judge Crater, call your office."
"SHITHOUSE POETS WHEN YHEY DIE
"fuck athens it's so gay
When I attended the University of Minnesota in 1969 amd 1970, I lived at a dorm named Pioneer Hall. In one of the bathrooms someone had scrawled, "Why the sudden lack of Christ on Campus?" A few days later, I found out the answer as many students replied to the inquiry. Underneath the original question was written choices A,B, or C just like a multiple choice answer to a test question. Here are the choices:
A. He got pimped by the foreign service committee.
Here's another one that somebody started at the dormitory and got responses. A fellow by the first name of Jack was a jock at the dorm. Originally someone scrawled, "Jack isn't getting any". This is what was written underneath the original probably by three different individuals:
Jack doesn't want any
"Looketh not here for the joke,
"If you want to crap at ease
"Don't scream son, you'll wake ur mother."
"Flush HARD, it's a long way to Hanoi."
From a San-I-Kan at The annual Estrella War Medeival Faire. Located directly above the Urinal pointing at the deodorizing cake.
"smile, jesus loves you" sticker.
"Humpty Dumpty was pushed"
"Mexicans are proof that Indians fucked bears."
"Friends don't let friends
take home ugly men"
"Beauty is only a light switch away."
"If life is a waste of time,
"Remember, it's not "How high are you?"...
it's "Hi, how are you?"
"If pro is opposite of con,
then what is the opposite of progress?"
"Express Lane:
Five beers or less"
"You're too good for him."
"No wonder you always go home alone."
"A Woman's Rule of Thumb:
If it has tires or testicles,
You're going to have trouble with it."
In the days of old
This was written in a stall in the women's restroom at Webster University (in Missouri):
"BILL BIXBY IS GOD."
"ATTENTION HILLBILLIES - The Rock Candy In The Urinals Is Not For You."
"Penis Erectus Non Compos Mentis = A Stiff Prick Has No Conscience."
"A Man's Ambitions Must Be Small, To Write His Name On A Shithouse Wall"
An updated version appeared years ago in the Men's room of what used to be Niki's Drive-in (El Camino Real, right near Hillcrest Boulevard, in the city of Millbrae, California), whose men's room was known as the legendary Niki's Shit House, which has been knocked down and a Burger King has been built on the site:
"I mite kill a fag"
Found in front of urinal on porta-potty at church festival in Union City, California, fall 2005:
"Here I sit, broken hearted
"CONDOMS IN THIS MACHINE ARE FOR CIRCUMSCISED PERSONNEL ONLY"
On a woman's bathroom wall at Jimmy's Jigger across the street from Kansas Universtity Medical School, mid-60's.
Found on the wall at the Denver Petroleum Club men's room.
Seen in a urinal in Ireland:
"Stand close; the next fellow might have holes in his shoes."
In small letters on the stall door at Buzzys Truck Stop, Portsmouth, New Hampshire:
I saw this one in Ft. Lauderdale, FL. I don't remember the exact location...
"Free Mumia"
"When it's in hard
"You only rent the beer."
One of my friends saw this written in a porta-potty when they were working on his house in Tennessee:
"Help, the paranoids are after me"
"Please fill with art degrees"
"The halls of justice are IN THE HALLS!! Have your shit together WELL BEFORE you enter the courtroom"
In a tavern in Cincinnati:
This was on a wall in a mens room at T/A Truck Stop on I 75 near Trenton, Michigan:
"Hoffa, Call your Mother."
"My girlfriend asked me to kiss her where it stinks , so I brought her in here ."
" I have been fucking with a limp dick so long I can row a boat with a rope."
When I was in Quang Tri, Vietnam, in 1969, I found these words of wisdom on a commode wall:
"If con is the opposite of pro, then is congress the opposite of
progress?"
"Good guys don't always wear white"
"No hope,
"I wish these open lesions on my ass would heal.
"Here lies the bones of screwy Rick
In a restroom in Peterborough, Ontario:
in a restroom in Millbrook, ONT:
this is one i found at a rock concert on a condom machine:
Saw this in a rest stop gas station, don't remember where:
Written on the stall wall of a truck stop:
"Hans must wash employees."
"SA toilet paper is like Clint Eastwood; Tough, rough and takes no shit."
"Stars Don't Shine"
"Why are you looking here?"
"Napolean sat here and picked his Bonaparte"
"there once was a man named Mcsweeny
"If your hose is short
"Hot dog went to cornfield, won't be back."
"Her i sate brocken harted came to shitt but onlly fearted."
I was stationed on Guam during the Vietnam War. Guam was not considered choice duty and was referred to as "The Rock" The Bathroom wall at the U.S. Navy's Fleet Weather Central had the following little ditty:
"ONLY 26 DAYS LEFT ON THE ROCK"
On the hand dryer in an unknown location:
30 years ago at Ohio University, saw this on a wall of a women's bathroom (and never forgot it!):
In a Chartre St. bar in New Orleans above the urinal I found written the following quote:
Found on a bathroom stall wall at J Sargeant Reynolds Community college near the computer center:
"Feck the Queen"
"THE COWBOY IS, INDEED, LIVING PROOF THAT THE INDIANS FUCKED THE BUFFALO"
"Every single living soul
(Response:) "Then what the F*** is wrong w/the coach?"
"Don't throw toothpicks into the toilet, the crabs will use them to polevault out."
"everyone poops"
"sara is a lesbian"
"i fucked my girlfriend here twice"
my boyfriend saw this in a bathroom in cancun
at a very fancy place in monterray mexico (women's bathroom):
one in a unisex bathroom at a small artsy/ hippie bar/lounge in portland, oregon.
"I love Jose!"
"JESUS SAVES"
on paper holder:
"Why switch dicks in the middle of a screw?
"Don't smell the flowers they are an evil drug to make you lose your mind."
In the Men's room at a bar called the Copper Keg in Long Beach, Ca., circa 1980:
Another standout from the Navy base in Long Beach, Ca. This was in a really rank porta-potti :
Be sure to check out our friends at Bathroom Graffiti Project
Submit your favorite bathroom scrawlings. |
