i dated a few people right after i got to north carolina. nothing serious, but that was fine. i was into exploring a new area of the country, new friends, new music... new everything. this was the early 1990s, and it was the period in my life that produced most of the significant changes. my mind opened in ways i couldn't have possibly imagined. serious relationships were far from my mind. i was concentrating on me and my happiness. i was getting to really know myself --finally-- and it felt good.
"T". late 1990s.
i have lots of pictures of "T", but i feel so badly about this relationship in so many ways that i don't want to identify him, photographically or by name.
through a common hobby, T and i were around each other quite extensively. i was absolutely not attracted to him. he was dour, cynical and sarcastic, and i was bubbly, happy and free. i guess T was attracted to that about me, though, and he asked me out... over and over again. i repeatedly declined. i recall being pretty honest about my refusals, telling him he brought me down. i was happy to discover that he was in therapy (as was i, incidentally).
we'd email a lot, and over the course of a few months i noticed a distinct change in his personality: he started to sound optimistic. i finally accepted one of his invitations, and next thing i knew we were having dinner together.
after dinner we went back to my house. i was a little tipsy on wine, and feeling happy in the beautiful spring evening. while T was in the bathroom i grabbed a blanket, giddy, and went outside and spread it on the ground in the moonlight. i just wanted to absorb the sky and enjoy how good i felt. T emerged from the house, wrongly interpreted my horizontal-ness as an invitation, and he started to kiss me. i was surprised, but i only protested a little.
that night started a 2 year relationship. (i think it was 2 years... i actually have blocked a lot of this out.) the beginning was really easy for us... it was all magic & beauty. we'd travel a lot, look at art and enjoy music together. he met my parents and went with me to my high school reunion.
but his intellect combined with his latent cynicism ended up slowly driving me away. he was analytical and i was emotional. it became too difficult for me to reconcile our personalities. and i think that down deep i just really wanted to be free.
we went to couples counseling for a while, but rather than help bridge whatever divide there was between us, the sessions only made me see the chasm more clearly. after one particularly rough appointment i stood in the parking lot with T, crying my eyes out, and finally told him i had to break up with him. i remember saying some mean things, too, to make him get the point, and to this day i deeply regret saying them.
T hated me for a long time after we split. i don't fault him for that... i could have handled our break-up in a more adult manner. i was so glad when he finally decided to answer my emails, but it took months & months.
we're friendly now. i don't know what he thinks of me, deep down, but we're friendly.
Posted by xta at March 14, 2004 10:27 AM | TrackBack