like an idiot, i continued to make poor boy-decisions in high school. i probably shouldn't reveal any more of these fleeting lurid tragedies... many contain memories i really don't want to relive in detail, but more than that there are just some things that i shouldn't be publicly blogging. i'll just stick to the big relationships from here on. there are only a few more.
that said, even my freshman year of college was filled with questionable entanglements... i was getting numb to the idea of ever having a real boyfriend again. i was at a pretty low place in my life.
then erich came along.
erich p. sophomore year of college.
erich was a newly-arrived freshman at college when we met. he played french horn, too, and we sat next to each other in wind ensemble that year.
to be honest, i have no idea what drew him to me. by now i felt like a shrunken version of myself. given my bad experiences over the previous few years i didn't have a lot of interest in a relationship... i just wanted to disappear from everyone's sight. but erich didn't know that and he would lean over and write cute notes on my music folder during rehearsal, then he would walk me home. every day.
all of my friends teased me about erich. he was like a little puppy dog that would follow me around everywhere i went. he was very innocent and pursued me with a naive fervor like i'd never seen. still, i wasn't very interested... not interested in anyone, not interested in him.
he wasn't dissuaded.
when valentine's day came, he schemed with my roommates and decorated my bedroom with red roses, candy and a big white stuffed bear. i couldn't believe the trouble he'd gone to, especially since i hadn't been giving him any sign that i was even interested in him romantically.
but this valentine's present... it was so grand. so sweet. i learned that erich even pleaded with a shop owner to convince him to sell that big white bear, since it was the biggest one in the store and a central part of their valentine's display. i felt i had to reward erich in some way for his efforts, so i gave him a quick kiss. but he latched on, months and months of pent-up affection waiting to spill out, and turned it into much more of a kiss than i was intending.
erich & i ended up dating for 2 ½ years. midway through that period we even moved in together. it was the most serious relationship i'd ever had, and i came to love him more than i thought possible. we played like we were grown-ups in our suburban chicago apartment, and i took on the domestic role with enthusiasm. we were everything to each other. he was devoted to me, and i relied on that devotion.
but i guess that's too much adult stuff for two kids in their early 20s, and eventually he grew restless and distant. i suppose i shouldn't have been surprised when he told me he was leaving, but it never occurred to me --even with our relationship slowly dissolving around us-- that he could have ever had eyes for anyone else.
i felt like the world had caved in on me. even though it had been stagnating, our relationship had been so good for so long; his departure came as a shocking blow. add to that my unhappiness with my less-than-fulfilling job downtown (which required a soul-sucking, one-hour train commute each way)... and i decided i'd just had enough. it was time to leave. i had graduated, i had a degree, and i needed a change. besides, the thought of living in the same town with erich anymore was just too much to bear. so i left, and i came to north carolina.
Posted by xta at March 13, 2004 9:27 AM | TrackBack