brian v. junior year of high school
it was my junior year and i had actually known brian for years and years. since 8th grade, i think. i was the best french horn player at my high school and he was the best french horn player at the rival high school, so he & i ended up at a lot of regional music competitions together. we also sat next to each other in a prestigious state youth orchestra.
brian was totally, utterly hot. he was also incredibly smart... my age, but 2 years ahead of me in school. he was a little cocky, but damn... that was also attractive. most of the other boys i knew were weird, insecure grabbers. brian was suave and confident.
suffice to say, i'd had a crush on brian since i met him. that crush grew with a white-hot intensity over the many years we knew each other. when it finally hit its peak i happened to be oozing that scent that was drawing all kinds of bad boys to me, so it's no surprise that brian was sucked in, too.
he never became my boyfriend, but we would date. i mean, i guess that's what you would call it. he would come pick me up at my mom's house, and for some unknown reason (maybe she was dazzled by him, too) she would hand him the keys to her RX-7. brian and i would go speeding down dark indiana roads and i turned to jelly right there in the passenger seat. we'd stop occasionally and make out in a playground or deserted parking lot, and one time in a fit of passion i told him i wanted him to be "my first."
it didn't happen right away, but it did happen. he was already in college and had the benefit of a dorm room. we were watching pink floyd's "the wall" and then suddenly we weren't. i was being deflowered while on tv faceless children marched into a meat grinder. at some point brian got up, turned the tv off, and put a thompson twins record on the stereo instead.
the whole experience was surreal. brian wasn't a boyfriend, but he was someone i'd been attracted to for a long time... so in that sense it was a fitting culmination. but because he wasn't a boyfriend (and he wasn't the kind of guy to settle down with one girl) i had to watch him date other friends of mine, which really hurt.
brian & i had sex a few times after that, but it didn't really make me happy and i didn't know why i kept going back for more. i felt like i was lost.
still... even today, my heart flutters when i look at that picture.
Posted by xta at March 11, 2004 01:46 PM | TrackBack