a friend is reading "marriage shock". i read the introduction and felt a deep connection with what the author was saying: that marriage, while idealized in our culture, actually tends to rob women of happiness, rather than delivering it to them on a sliver platter.
this quote sums it up for me:
"Within a year of marrying," one put it, "I no longer resembled the woman I was before I married."
this is precisely what i've been saying to people who ask me, "when are you & ray going to get married?" i say that the institution of marriage would change our relationship. i say that i see no need to become a "wife". i say that i am happy with who i am in this relationship... and, finally, i say that neither of us see any need to get the church or the government involved in our relationship.
i don't want to disparage anyone their desire to get married... i think if a couple is honest about what marriage means to them then they've overcome a big hurdle that the rest of us face: how to deal with the societal expectations of what a marriage is and should be. i simply choose not to even touch those expectations. leave me out of it.
now, that said, i have another issue: babies.
ray & i will be spending sunday morning with three couples who are married and who have babies. this means we will be the only couple there who are not married, and who do not have children.
in an ideal world this should go unnoticed. but i know it won't be. i know to expect "when are you going to...?" questions, because in our culture apparently something is wrong with you if you don't go along with what everyone else is doing. the fact that i question the validity of choosing marriage for myself seems to be offensive to married people. and choosing to remain childless comes as a horrifying shock to people who have chosen to have babies.
i'm already getting defensive about this gathering on sunday. i'm getting mad. i know i'll have to defend myself and my choices, and there's no reason i should have to. i've actually already been thinking up comebacks in advance of the anticipated line of questioning. i've got the prepared speech for the marriage question (see above), but i haven't settled on anything for the baby-question yet... any help here would be appreciated. the only retorts i can think of right now begin with the words "fuck" and "off".
but maybe, just maybe, it won't come up. i can only hope.
Posted by xta at September 3, 2004 2:07 PM | TrackBack"in our culture apparently something is wrong with you if you don't go along with what everyone else is doing"
just another one of the ways in which real life(tm) is way too much like high school...
Posted by: georg at September 3, 2004 9:07 PMI have one reply to that question that, if you stick to it, works really well:
"When are you going to get married?"
"We're happy with things the way they are."
"But what about the future?"
"Well, we're happy with things the way they are."
"Don't you want children?"
"Actually we're happy with things the way they are."
"Kids add so much to your life! You're missing out!"
"Good point, but we're happy with things the way they are."
Eventually people get tired of the non-answer and stop asking. And if you add a word or two every time, they might not even notice that you're blowing them off.
I'm very much against responding to this kind of interrogation in any meaningful way. It's no one's damn business whether you plan to ever get married or have kids. They are being rude even asking. Trying to justify your life choices only makes them feel like they have the right to demand your justification.
Posted by: Sarah at September 3, 2004 9:09 PMI like Sarah's response better than the one that starts with "fuck" and ends with "off." I'm just sayin'.
Posted by: minty at September 5, 2004 3:50 PMI don't know what to say except I feel you, Christa! I tell my family that I want to have kids, but I don't want to mess it up by doing it before WE are ready.
A really great book related to this is "The Bitch in the House," it's a collection of essays by different women at different stages of their lives/relationships. I HIGHLY recommend it.
Posted by: Ruby Sinreich at September 7, 2004 1:16 PM