busted

when i was in my 20s i made a practice of going to bars, getting totally loaded, then driving home.

i have no idea how i lived through that period in my life, especially given the frequency of these escapades. i lived in the rural outskirts of town, so the drive home was not short... about a 15 minute trip, down dark, woodsy roads full of twists and turns.

the more i type, the more i'm amazed that i never smashed my car into anything.

i did have one run-in with the fuzz, though. it was a cold night in late fall. i was driving my roommate home from a rock show. i was drunk, and i had no business being behind the wheel. i guess my roommate was worse off than i was, though, because he's the kind of guy that would have otherwise offered to drive.

i remember him complaining about how bad he had to pee. i also remember ignoring him, and staring very intently at the double yellow line down the middle of the road. "don't cross the yellow line... don't cross the yellow line... don't cross the yellow line..." that was my mantra the whole way home.

what seemed like an eternity later, i finally turned onto our street, and just 50 feet from our driveway the flashing lights appeared in my mirror. crap. i knew i was totally hosed. my roommate knew it too.

since home was right there, i pulled into the driveway and we both sat, shaking, as the cop approached my car.

he demanded my license. "have you been drinking tonight?" he asked.

i hedged. "we were at a club..." luckily that sentence contained no slurr-able consonants. i wondered if maybe i could get away with this.

"that's not what i asked! have you been drinking tonight?" he sounded mean.

"uhhh... i had a beer or two..." i lied.

i glanced at my roommate for help, but he was clearly experiencing extreme bladder-induced pain. he leaned forward and craned to see the cop. "can i go inside and use the restroom?"

the cop was confused. he was only starting to realize that we lived there.

after scanning our paperwork, he decided that my roommate's presence was not needed and he let him go inside. then the cop asked me to come back to his car. this was not good.

i briefly fantasized about making a dash for it into the house and locking the door behind me. but i wasn't that drunk... i still knew enough to realize that would be a tremendously bad idea.

so i meekly followed the cop back to his car. i slid into the passenger seat and shut the door behind me, my heart pounding in my ears. i was so scared. i knew i was going to jail. i just knew it.

he brought out what i assumed was a breathalizer. i had never seen one before. it had a strange straw-thing sticking out of the top and a control panel full of buttons below. he shoved it towards me and told me to breathe into it. "breathe hard," he said.

my remaining few brain cells kicked into high gear. i wrapped my lips around the straw and in a snap i decided that i would only make it appear like i was exhaling into the machine. i blew --hard-- but i only sent a little bit of air out my mouth, while most of it went out my nose. (this is not an easy thing to do. i suspect only drunkards are capable of it.)

miraculously, my performance was convincing. the cop thought i had exhaled entirely through my mouth and into the machine. he pulled the breathalizer back and started punching the buttons. he got a confused look on his face. he punched some more buttons, and appeared to be frustrated. i sat there, watching, hopeful, praying.

finally, after what seemed like an eternity, the cop looked at me --a bit skeptically-- and said, "well, i believe you about how much you've had to drink." he handed me back my license. he was letting me go.

i practically ran into the house. i think my roommate was a little shocked to see me. i was a little shocked to be there.

and to this day i cannot believe i got off. either that cop was a total rookie, or he didn't know how to work the breathalyzer... or both.

without sounding like i'm tacking a moral on the end of this story, i feel i have to say that i've never taken that moment of grace for granted.

Posted by xta at March 7, 2005 10:01 PM | TrackBack