ten or so years ago i was in therapy and writing angry letters to my father.
in the grand scheme of things there was nothing really to be angry about... he never hurt me, never even said cruel things to me. he was (and is) a very nice man.
but those letters focused on the things he wasn't... emotionally communicative, an advocate for my brother and me, and most importantly a friend. i was angry that my father was never my friend.
my mom is my friend, and i'll send her a mother's day card this week that thanks her for that. i feel like i can always bare my soul to my mom, and she can do the same to me. but my dad has never been like that. he's closed-up and has always had very little to share. it is difficult to have a conversation with him... there are always a lot of long, awkward pauses.
it's no wonder those two divorced.
those angry letters to my father were harsh and full of disappointment. i basically told him that i thought he'd failed at being the best dad he could be.
that was a difficult period in my life.
my brother turned my thinking around, though, and since then i have been trying to accept my dad for who he is, and forget about him being the dad i wanted him to be. i'm making progress.
my dad and i still rarely talk, though. maybe just two or three times a year on holidays. when we get together (once a year, if that) we usually try to play golf... it's one of the few things we have in common and it doesn't require a lot of actual communication.
dad and his wife are coming to town this week to visit me. they'll be here from thursday through monday. i'm complete baffled as to how i'm going to deal with this... both emotionally and physically. my step-mom has limited mobility, so i'm not sure what i can find for us to do besides watch jeopardy each night. (channel, anyone??) but i'm worried about more than just "things to do"... when i've been around them in the past i've always made sure i'm on my best behavior. i tend censor my true personality for the sake of harmony. i think that's going to be difficult task to keep up once they're in my house. (they're not staying with us, though... they have a giant RV that they tool around the country in.)
this is going to be an interesting few days.
Posted by xta at May 3, 2005 02:48 PM | TrackBackYou know, I have known you since we were like in 7th grade but I have never, ever your dad or Linda.
My two memories of them are things you have told me, which are very strange and have nothing to do with one another.
1. - Linda once turned off MTV angrily because the line about loaded guns being in your face (from the Billy Joel song pressure) offended her, and forbade MTV in the house after that.
2. - I used to always get peanut butter & chocolate + pralines and cream for my ice cream at Baskin Robins, which you once informed me was a combo of what your dad and Linda would get every time.
This is the sum of my knowledge of your dad and Linda. Isn't that odd
Posted by: Gidge at May 3, 2005 04:57 PMI have plenty of experience being disappointed with my parents and all kinds of entertaining drama with my step-parents. And now I'm adding in-laws! I must be crazy. I got parent issues...
It's hard, but I think you'll feel better if you just be yourself. They don't have to like it. You deserve to be comfortable in your own home. If you feel like being warm and friendly, offer them drinks. It will make you feel less like a kid and maybe break the ice. (*IF* you want the ice broken.)
I also suggest renting movies. It sucks less than TV and reduces the time spent talking to each other.
Posted by: Ruby at May 3, 2005 05:46 PMRuby is smart - I find a warm evening around the tv with my folks watching something specific can be very entertaining. Plus it gives you something to comment on.
Posted by: pinky at May 3, 2005 09:39 PMPeace out -- and good luck to you all.
What happens, by the way, when you ask them what they want from their trip? I don't know that I've ever much asked that of my parents. When I do, my Dad often says, "I dunno." And I don't *have* to ask my Mom (she's already told me). Then again, I think there would be something for me to gain from asking them in a quiet moment.
Hey Christa, thanks much for the therapy session! To whom shall I make out the check? ;-)
Posted by: Phil at May 4, 2005 01:39 AMI have a difficult father as well and only recently figured out how to love him without necessarily agreeing with everything he says or does. It's hard not to expect your parents to be perfect.
Good luck this weekend. When my dad came to visit in March, my saving grace was the NCAA basketball tournament. My dad hates most movies and TV shows but college hoops let him bond a lot with my husband which was really awesome.
Man. I totally relate to that "censoring my true personality for the sake of harmony" bit during visits with the parents.
But we're all grown-ups now, and it's just so much easier to act like it. There's no need to hide or censor anything about yourself; at the same time, there's no need to provoke or make a point of expressing your differences from them. Just your basic common courtesy, y'know? This becomes even easier to do when you're on your own home turf.
And following up on earlier comments: what would YOU like to get out of this, given that it's going to happen anyway? If it's just to get through the visit in as civil and non-disruptive a manner as possible, that's totally legitimate. If you want to explore the possibility of finding more common ground/reducing the awkwardness, well it sounds like a challenge, but here's an opportunity, right? Either way, take a deep breath and see what happens...
Posted by: Fikri at May 4, 2005 11:38 AMthanks for your input, guys.
as for what I would like to get out of the visit... ideally i would like to feel like we became a little closer. that may be too much of a challenge, but it's worth a shot. the hardest thing is going to be not having any expectations.
*sigh* i hate it when it becomes *work* to be around people...
Posted by: christa at May 4, 2005 01:07 PMHey Christa,
I'm not that close to my dad, though we've rebuilt our relationship a bit now that (a) I'm an adult, and (b) he's stopped drinking.
About this weekend I would say - don't even worry about whether you're being yourself or not. Even if you don't set out to censor yourself, you will probably act a little odd around your dad, just because the situation's so wierd. And that's okay, and he'll leave eventually and the voices in your head will die down a few days after that.
I often deal with my crazy relatives by pretending they're performance artists. When they do or say something, I try to think, "That's interesting. What is the theme they're trying to express?" It doesn't make the interaction less artificial, but it makes it slightly more amusing/tolerable, which is all you can hope for.
Finally, I would recommend having some REALLY good booze ready to crack open AFTER they go back to their RV at night.
Best wishes. And remember - no matter what you do, your parents can always push your buttons, because they installed them.
Posted by: lady macventril at May 5, 2005 06:54 PM